Day 307 – Let’s share the love…
My old friend self defeat showed up today. It was around 3:30 when the hammer dropped, but it had been slowly spiraling down since events of the morning.
Perhaps it had to do with an emergency business of life issue that was happening…that shouldn’t have been an emergency at all except for my insane avoidance of dealing with it until the last-minute and then seeming surprised by it. Maybe it’s hormonal. Maybe it’s realizing I owe a bunch of money for something I thought I wouldn’t. Maybe it’s my mom’s mysterious health problems. Maybe it’s the depression that runs in our family. Maybe it’s fear of following my dreams. Maybe it’s the fear that following my heart may not pay the bills. Maybe it’s a bit of unexpressed lust for a new friend. Maybe it’s the state of the world – so much suffering, so much apathy and so many people simply asleep (I don’t blame them…I often want to just go to sleep.)
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
I let the self-defeat hammer drop, but I recently installed a rebound at the bottom so it’s coming right back up. It felt like my physical body was saying, just move slowly…don’t do much…you don’t feel well. I listened with compassion and found that that voice was really from the “pain body” as Eckart Tolle would call it. And for once, I didn’t let it rule me
I found a piece of music that truly touched me right at the heart of this issue and I danced. “Where is the love?”, by the Black Eyed Peas speaks to the fact there is so much to feel weary about – but it reminds me there is love and it’s up to me to spread it. It’s simple question calls on me to pony up the love – even for myself.